My beloved husband, Kent, died in January 2012, 3 years after diagnosis of a brain tumour. Our son was 2 1/2 and our daughter 3 months old. He and I were far too young. I am now hurtling through the black space of life without him.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

17 January, again.

I went to the cemetery on my own today, which is how I wanted it. It was hard, hard, hard, and again I am amazed at what a powerful place it is, and what can happen there that can be kept tucked away in other places. 

These days the pain has stayed tucked away a lot - something I have been thinking about and may write about some more. But as so often happens, the longer you go without letting it out, the bigger the hurt when it comes. It seems I am not the only one to know this.

There were no photos there today, but we did take a few when we visited on Christmas Eve. 

It's always hard to know what to do on these days. It seems that when I don't know what to do, I bake, and so, as has happened before, we made a cake for Daddy. We're working on commemoration vs celebration - cakes are a little confusing I admit, and today I was asked, 'will we be singing Happy Birthday?" We didn't do that, but we did sing, and light candles, and held on tight. I have loved those kids even more today. 

The little guy spent much of the day doing jobs-around-the house with Grandad while the girls spent some of it baking a cake together. It seems that those of us who are alive, the best way to survive is to get on and do the things you love. We'll have to keep trying that.

This girl has a cake instead of a father. Good grief.


Flowers from a friend whose heartache kept mine company today.

These have been my songs, and words (excerpts), for today. Turned up really loud they are hard to drive to, but they speak the pain.  Click on the titles to listen.
All by Brooke Fraser.

Reality has left you reeling
All facts and no feeling
No faith and all fear

I don't know why a good man will fall 
While a wicked one stands

I don't know why the innocents fall
While the monsters still stand

You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
All the last shall be first
Of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again
All you lonely be lonely no more
Yes the last shall be first
Of this I am sure

Eat and drink for tomorrow we die,
We will look our Maker in the eye.
Raise a flagon and drink to your health,
Who is He that can conquer Himself?

I will think of you each time I see the sun
I didn't want a day without
but somehow I've lived through another one

I will think of you each time I see the sun
I didn't want a year without you
but somehow I've lived through another one

Did you find it hard to breathe at first?
Were you wounded and in disbelief at how much it hurt?
Now the ache's still burning
but the world's still turning, isn't it?

I will think of you each time I see the sun
I didn't want a life without you
but here I am living one

Young widow grieves for her fallen husband, Albuquerque, NM


  1. Tucked away. Yes.

    You and your beautiful children. I'm glad the three of you can hold each other tight. I'm sorry you aren't four.

    You are doing such a good job of mothering those children, Angela. Well done for holding their hands as you walk through these days. You make the path by walking it, for yourself and for them.


  2. Also, this poem makes me think of you and your lovelies: