My beloved husband, Kent, died in January 2012, 3 years after diagnosis of a brain tumour. Our son was 2 1/2 and our daughter 3 months old. He and I were far too young. I am now hurtling through the black space of life without him.

Thursday 27 December 2012

Rolling Stones

"Angie, Angie, when will those clouds all disappear?
Angie, Angie, where will it lead us from here?
With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats
You can't say were satisfied
But Angie, Angie, you can't say we never tried
Angie, you're beautiful, but ain't it time we said goodbye?
Angie, I still love you, remember all those nights we cried?
All the dreams we held so close seemed to all go up in smoke
Let me whisper in your ear:
Angie, Angie, where will it lead us from here?
Oh, Angie, don't you weep, all your kisses still taste sweet
I hate that sadness in your eyes
But Angie, Angie, ain't it time we said goodbye?
With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats
You can't say were satisfied
But Angie, I still love you, baby
Everywhere I look I see your eyes
There ain't a woman that comes close to you
Come on baby, dry your eyes
But Angie, Angie, ain't it good to be alive?
Angie, Angie, they can't say we never tried"

Jagger and Richards

Monday 24 December 2012

Matthew 7 and Psalm 91

I asked for bread
and I received a stone

Were these words not for me?

I asked for a fish
and I received a snake

It seems these words are not for me.

The terror of night
and the arrow that flies by day
have pierced my heart

Why are these words not mine?

Disaster has entered my tent
My foot has struck against a stone

How do I live without these words?

Saturday 8 December 2012

Journey

I started a different journey a while back. I had been travelling with the comrade of my choice* on a wide and even path, grassy and tree lined. Sunshine and blue skies were above, singing birds and refreshing rainshowers crossed our path. Hope travelled in a carriage beside us, and dreams sparkled ahead. But a storm came and swept my beloved away, and I was thrown on to a different path. Now I walk on stony, muddy ground. The path twists and rises and falls, and there is darkness on either side. I can't see ahead. Friends appear on the banks, reach their hands out and pass me strength. Our children walk with me, under the canopy of my tears. Together we encounter fires along the way, and they leap away from the sparks, afraid. But the sunshine seems to find them too. Its rays drop through the darkness and they alone glow with light. I hold their bodies tight, to soak up the warmth. I think we are looking for shelter, or a change in the path, but I don't know what it looks like or how it can come in this new world. It won't be the road I used to travel.


*"Comrade of my choice" - Tennyson in "In Memoriam"

Monday 3 December 2012

Quiet

There's nothing quieter than the sound of your husband not sleeping next you.